Archive for the ‘gus’ Category

The sun was setting in the metro on a cool late afternoon. The orange glow mixed with Atlanta’s pollution was casting a strange feeling over the neighborhood. I was out in the front yard attempting to kill my so-called lawn’s thriving weeds among the dry, browning grass. I admit it’s a useless exercise to make my suburban lot appear presentable. Since the drought has plagued our poor lawns, suburbia is not looking as nice as it used to.

Suddenly, a parade of vehicles streamed down my street out of the sunset. One by one, a line of SUVs, minivans, pickups and Hummers came roaring down the street-humped passageway. It seemed like it would never end as each suburban assault vehicle strained over the massive speed breakers. For me, it was fun to watch these morons who were speeding in the first place, slow down at the last second, only to realize that they’re fucking up their tires, brakes and hopefully their entire gas guzzlers as they eased over the hump. Ah, poetic justice, suburban-style.

I guessed correctly where these jack-offs were headed: Gus’ house. Yes, another Hickory Hills Republican Club meeting was about to begin at my neighbor Gus’ overpriced palace. Every time Gus conducts these meetings, squeaky-clean shit-bags from the area hop into their fuel-sucking autos so that they can eat his wife Allison’s artery-clogging beef-sausage-cheese casserole and engage in GOP talking points fed to them by right-wing radio and TV imbeciles including Sean Hannity who has never produced an original thought in his life.

When their conservative convoy came to a stop, 21st century Stepford Husbands and Wives jumped out of their overpriced grand, super-sized house on wheels and waddled into Gus’ spacious home replete with plenty of lighting courtesy of Georgia Power and high ceilings that are heated by Scana Energy. From the moment they slammed their doors in unison, the conservative butt-holes walked in perfect order to Gus and Allison’s tacky light brown front door. Gus loudly greeted them with a cigar hanging out of his mouth. From where I stood, the words were unintelligible, but the sounds were obnoxious as Gus roared at them with his thoughts as he held his lit stogie. The fat bleach blond biaches cackled as his Boxer dog barked endlessly.

“Top of the evening to you Bobby!” Gus yelled out to me.

“Have fun Gus!” I yelled back, as I squirted poison onto my front lawn.

Somehow I always thought there was hope for Gus. I never hated him. Certainly he’s irritating as hell, but I just think he was brainwashed with neo-con bullshit since the doctors in Eufaula, Alabama delivered him into the world 55 years ago.

There is one positive thing I can say about Gus: At least he believes the crap that he spews. I don’t think I could say that for his followers. They just seem like they’re the biggest phony assholes who will do anything to fit into his world. To them, Gus is a rock star. After all, he has a picture with Dan and Marilyn Quayle who both look like they want to rape him in the 20-year-old photo that graces his fireplace.

So, the dumb schmucks filed into his house doing and saying who knows what for three hours. After I put the lawn poison up and packed it in for the evening, it was pitch dark. The morons emerged from Gus’ house exchanging fake pleasantries and then heading off to their gas guzzlers. I know them all. I see them at the drug, convenience or grocery store. Some acknowledge me and others ignore me. I could care less who they are or what the fuck they think of me. The biaches are as fake as the color of their hair. The dick-wad husbands are dipshits who also think they know everything while they parade around in their overpriced golf shirts that their little honeys bought for them at Macy’s. On weekends, they walk around unshaven in ball caps and T-shirts and/or sweatshirts bearing the names of their favorite southern college football team while their wives fret over Hamburger Helper while their hubbies fall asleep in their leather recliners while the a sporting event is blaring on their big screen TVs. The kids are typical zombies who are off in their own rooms zoning out to their own TVs, iPods and/or computers.

When the convoy vacates the area, I see Larry the Liberal, the one neighbor who disagrees and stomachs Gus’ bullshit. Suddenly I realize that there is life beyond these goobers.


“I have no idea why they’re pickin’ on her,” yelled my excited neighbor Gus.

“What do you mean?” Larry queried.

“You damn liberal! You full well know what I mean!” Gus roared in an annoyed tone. “Sarah Palin!”

“Oh, that’s who’s being picked on; I get it,” Larry answered, as Gus limped up the hill towards him.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Lar. I know you’re dumb and wrong on all the issues, but you know what your buddies in the liberal media are doing,” Gus said in his Southern drawl.

Gus has been a neighbor for the past 12 years and every morning, he catches Larry on his morning walk before he heads off to his teaching job at the local public high school. Around 6:30 a.m., Gus ambles up the street with his knee replacements for a routine morning walk. Their meeting happens in front of my house. On these encounters, he reminds Larry, a neighbor down the block of five years that, “He’s too liberal for the South and that he works in government-run schools that are supported by media elites in New York.”

“I’m not sure if I have any buddies in the liberal media,” Larry replied. “Remember, I’m a teacher in a government-run school system.”

“Oh, you got buddies in there Larry. You’re all in bed together. You dope smokers in the teachers union and the media — y’all are that tight with Rather,” Gus stammered as he squeezed his thumb and index finger tightly together while attempting to catch his breath. Gus is a big guy: 6’3”, 350 lbs. and walking from his front door to the mailbox is quite a feat, let alone up the street.

Gus has been out of work for over a year. He was an engineer for a small company called Digigram. They cut him loose after 25 years of service. Today, 55 year old Gus is living off his handsome severance package and his physician wife Sharon’s salary. Even with no job and knee replacements, Gus will never have to worry. He has loads of time to plan Hickory Hills meetings and opine on everything from installing chair rails to current events.

“Yes Gus, I’m out there with Dan Rather every night at the local pub,” Larry replied as he rolled his eyes.

“But seriously Larry, she’s a good girl who believes in the right values. They have no bidness pickin’ on her,” Gus said, as he adjusted his Auburn University ball cap to shield his watery, bloodshot eyes from the morning sun. Gus suffers from a number of allergies which he treats with a cocktail of over-the-counter and prescription meds.

“Well, I’m not sure if they’re picking on her. They’re just asking tough questions like they do of any candidate,” Larry answered.

Larry, dressed in his “teacher’s uniform,” which resembles outfits that consumer advocate/presidential candidate Ralph Nader wears, is the “uber-mellow” answer to Gus’ crusty conservative attacks. Both love the exchange and I love watching it from my front porch.

“Hogwash! Admit it! They hate her because she’s pro-gun, pro-life, pro-low-taxes! She’s the best thing the Republicans could ever hope for and now the hard left-wing liberal media wants to destroy her!” Gus screamed. “My friends in the party won’t let it happen. No sir, no way!”

We have known Gus through the Clinton and Bush II years. During those years, Gus repeated every word that was filtered through right-wing media. He felt it was his duty because he has been the Republican’s neighborhood team captain in our area from day one. At least twice a month, throngs of clean-cut suburbanites meet at Gus’ house to strategize for the future. Gus even has a Web site dedicated to this endeavor called the Hickory Hills Republican Club. Aside from its meeting announcements, the site contains text espousing,” Basic conservative values and Reaganism.” Pictures of Gus with Jeb Bush, George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Dan Quayle, Pat Buchanan, Dennis Miller, Ann Coulter and other right-wing personalities festoon the red, white and blue site.

“Ya gotta see what I added to the site, Lar,” Gus boasted. “I got five photos with the Palins! She’s sweet, Larry! I’m tellin’ ya, I don’t understand why they’re pickin’ on her!”

Gus attended his seventh GOP convention. “I’ve been to many before Liberal Larry, but this one was the best,” Gus ‘confessed.’

“Oh, so that’s why, you’re being even more defensive. You met her with all of your other idols. I don’t think you’re being fair here, Gus,” Larry said.

“I’m fair, God dang-it! So what if I got my picture with her. She’s gonna make a great vice president and you’ll see how wrong you are, Larry,” Gus exclaimed.”She’s gonna stare down Putin just like The Gipper did with Gorby.”

On this morning, I thought for one second that perhaps Gus was going to announce that he has been putting on an act for the past 12 years. Perhaps he will rip his mask off and say, “This is a crock!” But this character is the real deal. He drives a Ford F-350 that is buried in Auburn University bumper stickers, flags and of course, a Bush-Cheney ’04 sticker on his back window along with the brand-new dark blue “McCain-Palin Country First” sticker on the center of the window. On the other side is the sticker that reads, “Voting Democrat? You’re Stuck On Stupid!” It’s a “Redneck Light act” which confuses everyone who is in his path. My explanation is that he just drinks the GOP Kool-Aid, but many times I think that he checks his brain at the front door to his house.

“That Sarah Palin is gooood on the eyes,” he said, as he was walking around in circles to keep his knees moving. “I’m tellin’ ya Larry, she’s unbelievable.

“Oh, reason enough to vote for her,” Larry called back in a mocking tone.

This is a typical day in my neighborhood: Gus going after Larry and Larry somehow keeping his cool and not taking the bait.

“All right, that’s enough. I’ve had enough, but you’re wrong, Larry. I met her and she’s a smart, good lookin’ cookie. She knows how to handle the liberal media, liberal teachers, unions, the pro-gay marriage crowd, secular progressives…” Gus yelled as he ambled away in his sweat-soaked Auburn sweatshirt into the morning sunrise.